You Chinese If You Ask Everybody Who Yellow Can Speak Chinese

You Chinese if you ask everybody who yellow if can speak Chinese. You yellow, you can speak Chinese, no?

Doesn't it goddamn anger you when some obnoxious Chinese person comes up to you and yells in your face, "You speak Chinese?!"

For fook's sake! This is Canada! Speak some English or take some English lessons. I know, I know, you've been here for over a decade and you only hang out where other Chinese people are, so your English is worse than when you left China. At least don't YELL then!

I don't mind so much when people ask me in Chinese if I can speak Chinese, which makes a lot more sense. That way, if I give them a blank stare, they'll understand. If they ask in English... man, that is annoying. FIRSTLY, there are many dialects of Chinese, so be specific! Some people ask me if I can speak Chinese and when I say yes, they start blabbing away in some dialect I can't understand. C'mon, name the dialect! Re-phrase your question, "Do you speak Mandarin?"

I am Chinese, so it's not so aggravating when Chinese people ask me if I can speak Chinese (the yelling is another story)... but what if I was Korean for fook's sake?! Imagine a Korean guy working in a Chinese area... I imagine he'd get pissed off daily. Next time someone annoying asks me if I speak Chinese, I'll say, "I'm Korean/ Japanese/ Vietnamese/ Thai/ Laotian/ Mongolian/ Burmese/ Cambodian/ Filipino/ Malaysian/ Tibetan/ Indonesian/ or Eastern Russian."

You Chinese If You Water Down Liquid Soap

You Chinese if you water down liquid soap.

Let's face it, Chinese are cheap and they do whatever they can to save money. So... the most obvious thing is to add water to liquid soap! It could effectively increase the life of one bottle of liquid soap by ten times. Not only that, but the children won't waste as much.

You Chinese If You Drink Only Water

You Chinese if you drink only water.

When you go to a restaurant and the waiter asks you what you want to drink, do you always say, "just water."?

Yes, you Chinese. You don't want to "waste" your money on soda pop! Especially not at a buffet (where the carbonation needlessly displaces valuable stomach space).

You Chinese If You Think Learn English is Better Than Learn Chinese

You Chinese if you think learn English is better than learn Chinese.

If you live in Asia and you went to an "all English" or "all American" kindergarten - where you speak broken English all day long with some white dude (a.k.a. "foreigner teacher"); you Chinese. Also, you're even more Chinese if you paid some nerdy, constantly drunk, smelly, English-speaking twat, quadruple your own hourly pay to have the chance to "practice" your English with him (or her, but usually a "him").

In Taiwan, a law was passed (but not heeded) that children under five years old cannot learn English for more than an hour a day (or something like that). Why? BECAUSE there were many cases of Taiwanese children popping up in elementary school and not knowing Chinese, but having a great command of broken English.

If you live in a Western country, and your family purposely chose to live in a community with very little other Chinese... you Chinese, yes, but some kinda weird Chinese. Normally, in the West, Chinese choose to only associate with Chinese. English can kiss your ass when you Chinese and living in English Land. (But, you kiss English's ass if you not living in English Land.)

You Chinese If Ghosts are in Water

You Chinese if ghosts are in water.

Are ghosts really in the water? Is that why Chinese are traditionally scared of the water? Actually... Chinese are scared of the water because you can drown. But, why aren't non-Chinese scared, then? Well, because they can swim!

You see, if you Chinese, and you nearly drowned as a kid, your parents don't send you to swimming lessons. Oh no. They tell you that you better stay away from the water, because there are ghosts in it. Yes... ghosts that KILL you. Kill you by drowning you - you not being able to swim is aside from the fact.

So, if you believe that ghosts are in the water, you Chinese. But please, learn to swim.

You Chinese If Safety is Nothing

You Chinese if safety is nothing.

Yes, you're Chinese if you look at safety in the eye and spit on it. Being hit by a 2-ton car doesn't scare you, you'll cross the road whether it's red or green (as featured in this picture). You'll touch raw meat, not wash your hands and then eat cooked meat! You're Chinese!

So the next time you're driving down the street and see a pedestrian standing not on the sidewalk, but somewhat on the street, just know that they're Chinese. If it's YOU - you Chinese, my friend.

You Chinese If You Wear Face Mask All the Time

You Chinese if you wear face mask all the time.

If you don't live in Asia, you probably aren't used to seeing people walk around with face masks. This, however, is a common thing in Asia. Normally, someone who is sick and doesn't want to pass their illness on to others wears a face mask. That's positively considerate, isn't it?

Otherwise, people in Asia might wear a face mask because they ride their scooter or moped all day through the polluted streets.

However, face masks made a big appearance in the West when SARS reared its ugly head. You started seeing who the Chinese (err... Asians in general) really were. What? You were too embarrassed to wear a face mask out in public? Then you not Chinese enough!!!

Now, with Swine Flu (H1N1) in full force out there... it's not just Chinese who are donning their face masks.

You Chinese If You Free Refill One Cup For Whole Family

You Chinese if you free refill one cup for whole family.

Has your family ever gone to McDonald's or any other fast-food restaurant that offers free refills? What does your family invariably do? Yes, they buy only one drink and ask for several little cups. Each family member is given a little cup and poured some drink from the main cup... and then the main cup is taken back to be refilled.

I know... it sucks when your family isn't all that rich. But if you Chinese and you rich - you still do this. Your family probably also only buys one combo meal and then extra sandwiches on the side. You'll all share the fries and the drink.

You Chinese If You Old Lady and Cut in Line

You Chinese if you old lady and cut in line.

Are you an obnoxious old lady who elbows her way through the crowded streets of the evening vegetable market? Do you cut in line, even when you clearly see that there are a hundred people waiting? At the supermarket, when you're at the back of the line and a new checkout lane opens... do you shove everyone outta the way and get to the front? If so... you Chinese.

If some old Chinese lady does this to you... you not necessarily Chinese (but you do shop where Chinese shop). However, if this old lady is your mom or grandma, yep, you Chinese.

You Chinese If You Do You Homework

You Chinese if you do you homework.

Did your parents always pester you to do your homework? Did they make sure that your homework was done? Did they sit you at your desk and force you to finish your homework while all the "plain" kids were playing on the street outside? Yes, you Chinese, my friend.

If you think you Chinese, but your parents didn't force you to do your homework... you must be several generations removed from China. But still, your parents think Confucius is the man.

You Chinese If You Learn Violin

You Chinese if you learn violin.

If you've ever taken violin lessons and given up - you Chinese. If you've ever taken violin lessons and are still taking them - you a super Chinese! Of course, all Chinese think Western stuff is better than Chinese stuff, and so send their children to violin lessons, instead of letting them learn the far superior Erhu.

You Chinese If You Home Have Mothballs

You Chinese if you home have mothballs.

Do you have fond memories of the smell, touch and taste of mothballs? If so, you Chinese and you spent a lot of time with your grandparents. Ahh... the fond memories of crawling around in your Ah-Poh's (or Poh-Poh's) closet and finding these little mysterious white balls. You also probably found them in the toilet, too.

You Chinese If You Plastic Wrap Furniture to Keep it Long Time

You Chinese if you plastic wrap furniture to keep it long time.

Yes, if your family doesn't unwrap new furniture, in order to keep it looking new - you Chinese. If your family in fact wraps new furniture to keep it looking new - you Chinese. If your family covers nice furniture in ugly-ass cloth to keep it looking new - you Chinese.

Contradictory as it is - uglifying new furniture by wrapping it up in ugly and uncomfortable plastic - Chinese people do this to keep their furniture "looking new." It is a paradox, though.

Like, why would you make new, nice furniture ugly right away, so that it could look about 85% beautiful when the wrapping finally comes off ten years later?

You Chinese If You Never Retire

You Chinese if you never retire.

Retirement seems like a great concept and has been taken up by Chinese living in the West - or has it? Do Chinese really ever retire? In China, there was no such thing as retirement; just working life and then death.

However, now that Chinese people have caught onto the concept of retirement and are forced to quit their jobs of daily sustenance, they find other things to do. They take care of the grandchildren, cook and clean for the extended family, or maybe sell their wares by the side of the road whilst chatting to their pals all day. You know nobody's gonna buy their stuff - they just do it to pass the time.

You Chinese If You Value Long Life.

You Chinese if you value long life.

Sure, you don't wear your seat belt when in the car, don't look when crossing the street, or take any other safety precautions, but you are obsessed with "long life."

Any words that sound like "long life," you say daily (and put on posters around your home). Any food whose name sounds like "long life," you eat daily. Any cigarettes whose brand is "long life," you smoke daily.

You don't wash your hands after touching raw meat or take other safety precautions, because the methods mentioned in the paragraph above certainly take care of the Chinese need for a "long life."

You Chinese If You Think This is Fat

You Chinese if you think this is fat.

Yes, you Chinese if you think these four girls are fat. You are looking at them now and are disgusted by the amount of fat they have around the stomach area. You're looking at the thighs and seeing chunks!

You Chinese.

For you, girls must be rail-thin. Her elbow joint must be bigger than her upper-arm. You must be able to see her ribs. When she sits down on a hard surface, she must hurt her ass because it's so bony. She must also have the figure of a cylinder (as opposed to hour-glass).

You Chinese If You a Man and Wear Speedos

You Chinese if you a man and wear speedos.

When you go to the beach, do you slip on what looks like a bikini bottom... but you are a man?! Do you prefer package-enhancing speedos over package-dehancing surfer shorts?

If so... you Chinese. Or maybe, you European. In this picture, the guy in front is European, but check out his Chinese friends in the background.

You Chinese If You Sexist

You Chinese if you sexist.

Yes... all real Chinese are sexist, and it's all Confucius' fault. Yes, revered as he is, he was a sexist bastard. Or maybe, he just had his disciples write down the sexism that was already prevalent in society?

Did you read the last post? Well, why is it that the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law would argue? WHY?! The reason is because a woman in a Chinese household is basically a slave. There's a Chinese saying that says when a female is young, she's controlled by her father; when she's older, she's controlled by her husband; and when she's really old, she's controlled by her son. YUP.

As you can see, mother-in-law expects daughter-in-law to take over all the duties she previously had (cleaning, cooking, washing, etc.); just as her own mother-in-law had done. And inevitably, the daughter-in-law resists. But, resistance is futile.

Sure, this is sexism against your own sex, but if you Chinese, you don't care. You carry it out, regardless. In fact, you carry it out more harshly if you're a woman; you prefer sons to daughters, you bully your daughter-in-laws, you treat your son's children better than your daughter's children, etc.

Polygamy is also not really illegal in Chinese culture. There are plenty of the really older generation who currently have more than one legal wife. And if it's not legal, you can bet that Chinese men who can afford it have a legal wife and several girlfriends on the side. Why else would they leave their family in one country, and "work" in another?

And see this picture? That's anguish on the wife's face, not pleasure. How can one feel pleasure when being poked from behind by a breadstick?

You Chinese If You Have Mother-in-law - Daughter-in-law Problem

You Chinese if you have mother-in-law - daughter-in-law problem.

If you are a man, and your wife hates your mom: you Chinese. If you are a woman and you hate your husband's mom: you Chinese. If you are an older woman and you hate your son's wife: you Chinese.

There's no reason to hate each other... but Chinese just do it. Westerners, in contrast, hate other people. For Western people, usually the husband hates his wife's parents; the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law normally get along beautifully!

So what does this huge cultural difference mean? It means that people are making this shit up and there's actually no reason to hate each other. Okay, well... they're not making it up. It's actually due to the sexism against females in Chinese culture. I'll explain that in the next post.

So... if your family have the problems: you Chinese.

P.S. If you the husband - it's your responsibility to keep your wife and your mom on good terms. Otherwise, you what Chinese call "mixed egg."

You Chinese If You Follow the Crowd

You Chinese if you follow the crowd.

Yes, it's true; Chinese people are not individuals - they are a herd of animals whom are together. Don't you know that the smallest unit of existence in Chinese culture is the family? In Western cultures, the smallest unit is the individual, of course.

Do you ever find yourself going through the same door that the person in front of you went in? Do you find yourself drinking the same drink as others? Do you find yourself going to the same places and doing the same things as others?

You may not be Chinese just yet! To qualify as Chinese, you must do the total crowd-following. Do you line up, just because you see other Chinese lining up? Do you buy the stocks that other Chinese people buy? Do you park your car in the wrong area, even though you can read English and those other Chinese can't?

If you exhibit herd behavior and you follow the crowd: you Chinese.

You Chinese If You Like White Skin

You Chinese if you like white skin.

Chinese people are obsessed with white skin; the whiter, the better. In Asia, there are over 273 brands of skin-whitening products. Actually, I made that number up, but there are more than a dozen that's for sure!

Chinese people with beautiful bronze skin are called, "healthy," almost as a put-down... even though the Pillsbury Doughboy and the Michelin Man also have very white skin.

But, why do Chinese people love white skin so much? Why are babies judged on their skin whiteness as soon as they're born?! Why is there a saying in Chinese that goes, "No matter how butt-ugly a girl is, as long as her skin is white, she's beautiful."? It's all about the money, sir.

This will be an extra-long entry, because I want to clear up the issues here.

Chinese love money first and foremost. More than life and more than white skin. Now, what were indicators of moneyed families in Chinese history? Fatness and un-tanned (white) skin. Fatness meant that you had a lot to eat (Chinese presently don't like fat girls, but they do like fat boys or boys with fat earlobes) - and white skin meant that you could stay indoors all day, because your family was rich enough that you didn't have to work (sorta like bound feet, but less grotesque).

I currently live in Taiwan, and I see this "cult of white skin" everywhere, everyday! Aside from "skin whitening" products... ladies are always carrying around parasols (nothing to do with skin cancer), they wear these "sleeves" that go on your arms to block the tanning effects of the sun, they were frickin' sunglass-type visors (like a tinted car windshield) that cover their entire face, and bleach is one of the best-selling household cleaning products here. Well, just kidding about that last one.

What is even more stupefying is that the older ladies who actually are poor and work outdoors - and thus shouldn't have white skin - cover themselves up so much that they keep their skin white. Now, who are they trying to fool?

Moreover, if white skin is beautiful - covering up yourself like a mummy is the opposite of beautiful. So, they look like retarded mummies everyday, so that their skin can be beautiful? This is some kind of paradoxical conundrum.

Thankfully, however, younger females aren't being retarded and are embracing delicious bronze skin and Vitamin D.

You Chinese If You Think Sing Is Important

You Chinese if you think sing is important.

Have you been singing since you were born? Do you sing because your language is tonal, or is your language tonal, because your race sings so much?! Chicken or the egg?!

If you think singing is a major past-time (such that Americans think of baseball), and you sing with your friends for fun, and you are good at it (and so are everyone you know, including your parents), and you walk around singing - sorry, you Chinese.

You Chinese If You Superstitious

You Chinese if you superstitious.

Do you not live in house #4, because "4" sounds like "dead" in Chinese? Do you not flip fish over, because your fishing boat will also flip over? Do you not say anything "not good luck," because it might happen? Do you build a building in Hong Kong with a huge hole in it, so that the dragon can pass through, unobstructed? You Chinese, my friend.

You spend at least 20 percent of your life following superstitious rules and regulations. Whether it be burning incense to appease the gods, offering food to long-gone ancestors, or "sweeping out" the bad luck: if you do it, you Chinese.

The other class of superstition is the getting money superstitions. You might name your dog "money-money," so that it'll bring you a fortune. Heck, you might even name your son in such way! Or commonly, you'll have Chinese characters about money all over your house (if you can't read, 90% those hung red papers say something about money).

If you claim not to be superstitious, but follow all superstitious rules and regulations "just in case," then you're Chinese just the same!

You Chinese If You Took Piano Lessons But Gave Up

You Chinese if you took piano lessons, but gave up.

Basically, your parents forced you to take piano lessons, but you didn't want to. They kept forcing you, however, and you eventually got old enough to give up. Now, you regret it.

But why is it that Chinese parents force their children to take piano lessons? Is it because having multiple abilities will make you a better person? Nah, it's because they're Chinese.

Also... why not a Chinese instrument; like the Erhu or Pipa?! WTF is up with that?

You Chinese If You Self-Photograph

You Chinese if you self-photograph.

Yes... if you hold your cellphone camera or regular camera (and even SLR!) at arm's length and proceed to capture your own "beauty," you are Chinese. If you constantly do this, then you are not only Chinese, but a girl, too. If you constantly do this and think that people want to see your ugly face posted all over your crappy blog - you are just plain conceited. But you also Chinese.

You Chinese If You Know Many People With Same Family Name

You Chinese if you know many people with same family name.

If you know at least ten people that aren't related to you and have the same family name - you're Chinese. BUT... the condition is that Chinese is not the majority race in your particular country.

If Chinese is the majority race in your country, you have to know at least ten thousand other people who aren't related to you, that have the same family name. And if you're truly Chinese, that won't be hard.

Well... you might have a unique family name, but that just means your ancestors were not good in bed (didn't eat enough tiger penis, rhino horn, etc.).

You Chinese If You Go Anywhere, Find Chinese Restaurant

You Chinese if you go anywhere, find Chinese restaurant.

Have you ever been on a trip to a faraway land with your family? Say, India, Mozambique, Tahiti, Chile, etc... and every meal time it's a quest for the nearest Chinese restaurant? Nope, it doesn't matter that the local dishes are super-delicious; your family only eats Chinese food!

Are they supporting fellow Chinese, or what? I don't know... but sometimes, the Chinese food they find is pretty damn nasty.

You could be in the Antarctic and your family would be looking for a Chinese restaurant. They'd probably find one, too.

You Chinese If You Hoard On-Sale Toilet Paper

You Chinese if you hoard on-sale toilet paper.

Not that hoarding on-sale items is a bad thing! You can actually save a lot of money by buying only things that are on sale; and especially if it's a loss leader.

The Chinese method is, if there's toilet paper on sale for half the normal price (the store is losing money on it) and the limit is two packages... bring the whole family. So, mom buys two, dad buys two, daughter one buys two, daughter two buys two, daughter three buys two, son one buys two, ah-poh buys two, and ah-gung buys two. Now, the family has a zillion packages and all for half the normal price! Toilet paper for months to come.

If you Super Chinese, you bring everything back to the car (or scooter, or bicycle) and come back for seconds, making sure to pay at a different cashier.

You Chinese If You Play Badminton

You Chinese if you play badminton!

You especially Chinese if you can jump higher than Yao Ming in order to "smash" the birdie.

You pseudo-Chinese if you go to a badminton club every week, but suck a lot.

You Chinese If You Play Online Games

You Chinese if you play online games!

Be it MMORPG, MMOG, MMOFPS, etc. - you Chinese if you play. You especially Chinese if you go to an Internet Cafe for hours on end. You even more Chinese if you eat lunch and dinner at the Internet Cafe (instant noodles, of course).

You most Chinese if you live in Xi'an and go to the largest Internet Cafe in the world with over 3,000 computers.

You Chinese If You Went To Math Summer Camp

You Chinese if you went to math summer camp.

While the white kids went to real camp, you went to math camp! While they were canoeing down stream, you were doing BEDMAS.

You also Chinese if you went to any supplementary math class (evenings, weekends) in your entire life.

You Chinese If You Photograph You Food

You Chinese if you photograph you food!

If you take pictures of every single dish of every single "special" meal that you eat out - you're definitely Chinese.

But, other peoples take pictures of their meals, too, right? Yes, but the difference is that if you Chinese, you only take pictures of the food itself. No, you don't care about who is eating it. You don't get the person to pose with the food; you just care about the food itself.

Maybe because your ancestors were always so poor, you now feel that a picture of food is better than an empty bowl. In case of famine, y'know.

You Chinese If You Family Runs Restaurants

You Chinese if you family runs restaurants!

If you can count at least three restaurants in your family and extended family - you Chinese for sure. You Super Chinese if you can count more than ten restaurants. You Super Duper Chinese if all the restaurants in your family are on more than three different continents.

Me? I am Super Duper Chinese! Restaurants in Canada, Sweden, Austria, India, and Taiwan.

You Chinese If Three Generations Live Under One Roof

You Chinese if three generations live under one roof.

It's not a bad thing, but if your grandparents, your parents, you and your spouse, and maybe even your children, live under one roof - you Chinese. This good, though. You show care for family.

You also Chinese if you see relatives that you don't know at every single big dinner gathering.

You Chinese If You Stir-Fry

You Chinese if you stir-fry!

White people bake. Black people barbecue. Brown people tandoor. Chinese people stir-fry.

You especially Chinese if you stir-fry with a spatula longer than your arm, because your family is so damn huge!

You Chinese If YOU YELL ALL THE TIME

You Chinese if you yell all the time.

People usually have a range of volume when they speak, in order to convey certain feelings, and for a variety of circumstances.

But if you Chinese, you only have one volume: loud. You yell when you talk and you can't help it!

Maybe it's because your ancestors had to yell all the time, because the cities they lived in were so crowded. And now, LOUD is in your blood.

You Chinese If You Suck at Driving

You Chinese if you suck at driving!

People aren't born with driving skills - they must be taught. You must drive defensively and respect others on the road.

What is the key to safe driving?

Person: Defensive driving.

Chinese Person: Skills.

If you Chinese, you don't give a rat's ass about what other people on the road are doing - it doesn't concern you! All you gotta do to get to your destination is to do it like they do in Asia. You got to be aggressive. That truck wants to change lanes? No way! Cut him off!!! That pedestrian wants to cross? Over your dead body!!! There are two car-lengths between you and the car in front? Cut down the distance! Must drive as close to other traffic as possible. No parking spots? Park anywhere! Seatbelts are only so that you don't get a ticket from the cops. It's all about your personal race-car driving skills.

And when you Chinese and you old, you must drive at 20 km/h, no matter the posted speed limit or the actual flow of traffic.

You Chinese If You Can't Cross the Street Properly

You Chinese if you can't cross the street properly!

Most people jaywalk. But not Chinese. Chinese cross at the crosswalk or intersection, but instead of waiting on the sidewalk like you're supposed to, Chinese will stand on the street. Yes, Chinese will block traffic by standing in the street, while waiting for the light to turn green.

Some Chinese have learned that this is unacceptable. But, the farthest back they'll stand while waiting to cross, is at the edge of the sidewalk, atop the curb.

You Chinese If You Steal Napkins

You Chinese if you steal napkins!

As a customer at any fast-food restaurant, you're entitled to up to a maximum of three napkins per person, per meal. Unless, of course, you spill your drink and must use napkins to clean it up.

Although the theoretical maximum is three napkins, most people only take two; one to use, and one just in case.

Napkin dispensers are made so that you can grab the little fold of the first napkin and handily pull one out. If you want another one, you must pull that out after the first one.

But, if you Chinese, you just ram your finger up in the napkin dispenser's business, shove it as far back as you can and proceed to rob the dispenser of all the napkins you can get. Then, you use one at the restaurant and take the rest home for later use.