You Chinese If You Like White Skin

You Chinese if you like white skin.

Chinese people are obsessed with white skin; the whiter, the better. In Asia, there are over 273 brands of skin-whitening products. Actually, I made that number up, but there are more than a dozen that's for sure!

Chinese people with beautiful bronze skin are called, "healthy," almost as a put-down... even though the Pillsbury Doughboy and the Michelin Man also have very white skin.

But, why do Chinese people love white skin so much? Why are babies judged on their skin whiteness as soon as they're born?! Why is there a saying in Chinese that goes, "No matter how butt-ugly a girl is, as long as her skin is white, she's beautiful."? It's all about the money, sir.

This will be an extra-long entry, because I want to clear up the issues here.

Chinese love money first and foremost. More than life and more than white skin. Now, what were indicators of moneyed families in Chinese history? Fatness and un-tanned (white) skin. Fatness meant that you had a lot to eat (Chinese presently don't like fat girls, but they do like fat boys or boys with fat earlobes) - and white skin meant that you could stay indoors all day, because your family was rich enough that you didn't have to work (sorta like bound feet, but less grotesque).

I currently live in Taiwan, and I see this "cult of white skin" everywhere, everyday! Aside from "skin whitening" products... ladies are always carrying around parasols (nothing to do with skin cancer), they wear these "sleeves" that go on your arms to block the tanning effects of the sun, they were frickin' sunglass-type visors (like a tinted car windshield) that cover their entire face, and bleach is one of the best-selling household cleaning products here. Well, just kidding about that last one.

What is even more stupefying is that the older ladies who actually are poor and work outdoors - and thus shouldn't have white skin - cover themselves up so much that they keep their skin white. Now, who are they trying to fool?

Moreover, if white skin is beautiful - covering up yourself like a mummy is the opposite of beautiful. So, they look like retarded mummies everyday, so that their skin can be beautiful? This is some kind of paradoxical conundrum.

Thankfully, however, younger females aren't being retarded and are embracing delicious bronze skin and Vitamin D.

You Chinese If You Think Sing Is Important

You Chinese if you think sing is important.

Have you been singing since you were born? Do you sing because your language is tonal, or is your language tonal, because your race sings so much?! Chicken or the egg?!

If you think singing is a major past-time (such that Americans think of baseball), and you sing with your friends for fun, and you are good at it (and so are everyone you know, including your parents), and you walk around singing - sorry, you Chinese.

You Chinese If You Superstitious

You Chinese if you superstitious.

Do you not live in house #4, because "4" sounds like "dead" in Chinese? Do you not flip fish over, because your fishing boat will also flip over? Do you not say anything "not good luck," because it might happen? Do you build a building in Hong Kong with a huge hole in it, so that the dragon can pass through, unobstructed? You Chinese, my friend.

You spend at least 20 percent of your life following superstitious rules and regulations. Whether it be burning incense to appease the gods, offering food to long-gone ancestors, or "sweeping out" the bad luck: if you do it, you Chinese.

The other class of superstition is the getting money superstitions. You might name your dog "money-money," so that it'll bring you a fortune. Heck, you might even name your son in such way! Or commonly, you'll have Chinese characters about money all over your house (if you can't read, 90% those hung red papers say something about money).

If you claim not to be superstitious, but follow all superstitious rules and regulations "just in case," then you're Chinese just the same!

You Chinese If You Took Piano Lessons But Gave Up

You Chinese if you took piano lessons, but gave up.

Basically, your parents forced you to take piano lessons, but you didn't want to. They kept forcing you, however, and you eventually got old enough to give up. Now, you regret it.

But why is it that Chinese parents force their children to take piano lessons? Is it because having multiple abilities will make you a better person? Nah, it's because they're Chinese.

Also... why not a Chinese instrument; like the Erhu or Pipa?! WTF is up with that?

You Chinese If You Self-Photograph

You Chinese if you self-photograph.

Yes... if you hold your cellphone camera or regular camera (and even SLR!) at arm's length and proceed to capture your own "beauty," you are Chinese. If you constantly do this, then you are not only Chinese, but a girl, too. If you constantly do this and think that people want to see your ugly face posted all over your crappy blog - you are just plain conceited. But you also Chinese.

You Chinese If You Know Many People With Same Family Name

You Chinese if you know many people with same family name.

If you know at least ten people that aren't related to you and have the same family name - you're Chinese. BUT... the condition is that Chinese is not the majority race in your particular country.

If Chinese is the majority race in your country, you have to know at least ten thousand other people who aren't related to you, that have the same family name. And if you're truly Chinese, that won't be hard.

Well... you might have a unique family name, but that just means your ancestors were not good in bed (didn't eat enough tiger penis, rhino horn, etc.).

You Chinese If You Go Anywhere, Find Chinese Restaurant

You Chinese if you go anywhere, find Chinese restaurant.

Have you ever been on a trip to a faraway land with your family? Say, India, Mozambique, Tahiti, Chile, etc... and every meal time it's a quest for the nearest Chinese restaurant? Nope, it doesn't matter that the local dishes are super-delicious; your family only eats Chinese food!

Are they supporting fellow Chinese, or what? I don't know... but sometimes, the Chinese food they find is pretty damn nasty.

You could be in the Antarctic and your family would be looking for a Chinese restaurant. They'd probably find one, too.

You Chinese If You Hoard On-Sale Toilet Paper

You Chinese if you hoard on-sale toilet paper.

Not that hoarding on-sale items is a bad thing! You can actually save a lot of money by buying only things that are on sale; and especially if it's a loss leader.

The Chinese method is, if there's toilet paper on sale for half the normal price (the store is losing money on it) and the limit is two packages... bring the whole family. So, mom buys two, dad buys two, daughter one buys two, daughter two buys two, daughter three buys two, son one buys two, ah-poh buys two, and ah-gung buys two. Now, the family has a zillion packages and all for half the normal price! Toilet paper for months to come.

If you Super Chinese, you bring everything back to the car (or scooter, or bicycle) and come back for seconds, making sure to pay at a different cashier.

You Chinese If You Play Badminton

You Chinese if you play badminton!

You especially Chinese if you can jump higher than Yao Ming in order to "smash" the birdie.

You pseudo-Chinese if you go to a badminton club every week, but suck a lot.

You Chinese If You Play Online Games

You Chinese if you play online games!

Be it MMORPG, MMOG, MMOFPS, etc. - you Chinese if you play. You especially Chinese if you go to an Internet Cafe for hours on end. You even more Chinese if you eat lunch and dinner at the Internet Cafe (instant noodles, of course).

You most Chinese if you live in Xi'an and go to the largest Internet Cafe in the world with over 3,000 computers.

You Chinese If You Went To Math Summer Camp

You Chinese if you went to math summer camp.

While the white kids went to real camp, you went to math camp! While they were canoeing down stream, you were doing BEDMAS.

You also Chinese if you went to any supplementary math class (evenings, weekends) in your entire life.

You Chinese If You Photograph You Food

You Chinese if you photograph you food!

If you take pictures of every single dish of every single "special" meal that you eat out - you're definitely Chinese.

But, other peoples take pictures of their meals, too, right? Yes, but the difference is that if you Chinese, you only take pictures of the food itself. No, you don't care about who is eating it. You don't get the person to pose with the food; you just care about the food itself.

Maybe because your ancestors were always so poor, you now feel that a picture of food is better than an empty bowl. In case of famine, y'know.

You Chinese If You Family Runs Restaurants

You Chinese if you family runs restaurants!

If you can count at least three restaurants in your family and extended family - you Chinese for sure. You Super Chinese if you can count more than ten restaurants. You Super Duper Chinese if all the restaurants in your family are on more than three different continents.

Me? I am Super Duper Chinese! Restaurants in Canada, Sweden, Austria, India, and Taiwan.

You Chinese If Three Generations Live Under One Roof

You Chinese if three generations live under one roof.

It's not a bad thing, but if your grandparents, your parents, you and your spouse, and maybe even your children, live under one roof - you Chinese. This good, though. You show care for family.

You also Chinese if you see relatives that you don't know at every single big dinner gathering.

You Chinese If You Stir-Fry

You Chinese if you stir-fry!

White people bake. Black people barbecue. Brown people tandoor. Chinese people stir-fry.

You especially Chinese if you stir-fry with a spatula longer than your arm, because your family is so damn huge!

You Chinese If YOU YELL ALL THE TIME

You Chinese if you yell all the time.

People usually have a range of volume when they speak, in order to convey certain feelings, and for a variety of circumstances.

But if you Chinese, you only have one volume: loud. You yell when you talk and you can't help it!

Maybe it's because your ancestors had to yell all the time, because the cities they lived in were so crowded. And now, LOUD is in your blood.

You Chinese If You Suck at Driving

You Chinese if you suck at driving!

People aren't born with driving skills - they must be taught. You must drive defensively and respect others on the road.

What is the key to safe driving?

Person: Defensive driving.

Chinese Person: Skills.

If you Chinese, you don't give a rat's ass about what other people on the road are doing - it doesn't concern you! All you gotta do to get to your destination is to do it like they do in Asia. You got to be aggressive. That truck wants to change lanes? No way! Cut him off!!! That pedestrian wants to cross? Over your dead body!!! There are two car-lengths between you and the car in front? Cut down the distance! Must drive as close to other traffic as possible. No parking spots? Park anywhere! Seatbelts are only so that you don't get a ticket from the cops. It's all about your personal race-car driving skills.

And when you Chinese and you old, you must drive at 20 km/h, no matter the posted speed limit or the actual flow of traffic.

You Chinese If You Can't Cross the Street Properly

You Chinese if you can't cross the street properly!

Most people jaywalk. But not Chinese. Chinese cross at the crosswalk or intersection, but instead of waiting on the sidewalk like you're supposed to, Chinese will stand on the street. Yes, Chinese will block traffic by standing in the street, while waiting for the light to turn green.

Some Chinese have learned that this is unacceptable. But, the farthest back they'll stand while waiting to cross, is at the edge of the sidewalk, atop the curb.

You Chinese If You Steal Napkins

You Chinese if you steal napkins!

As a customer at any fast-food restaurant, you're entitled to up to a maximum of three napkins per person, per meal. Unless, of course, you spill your drink and must use napkins to clean it up.

Although the theoretical maximum is three napkins, most people only take two; one to use, and one just in case.

Napkin dispensers are made so that you can grab the little fold of the first napkin and handily pull one out. If you want another one, you must pull that out after the first one.

But, if you Chinese, you just ram your finger up in the napkin dispenser's business, shove it as far back as you can and proceed to rob the dispenser of all the napkins you can get. Then, you use one at the restaurant and take the rest home for later use.