You Chinese If You Ask Everybody Who Yellow Can Speak Chinese

You Chinese if you ask everybody who yellow if can speak Chinese. You yellow, you can speak Chinese, no?

Doesn't it goddamn anger you when some obnoxious Chinese person comes up to you and yells in your face, "You speak Chinese?!"

For fook's sake! This is Canada! Speak some English or take some English lessons. I know, I know, you've been here for over a decade and you only hang out where other Chinese people are, so your English is worse than when you left China. At least don't YELL then!

I don't mind so much when people ask me in Chinese if I can speak Chinese, which makes a lot more sense. That way, if I give them a blank stare, they'll understand. If they ask in English... man, that is annoying. FIRSTLY, there are many dialects of Chinese, so be specific! Some people ask me if I can speak Chinese and when I say yes, they start blabbing away in some dialect I can't understand. C'mon, name the dialect! Re-phrase your question, "Do you speak Mandarin?"

I am Chinese, so it's not so aggravating when Chinese people ask me if I can speak Chinese (the yelling is another story)... but what if I was Korean for fook's sake?! Imagine a Korean guy working in a Chinese area... I imagine he'd get pissed off daily. Next time someone annoying asks me if I speak Chinese, I'll say, "I'm Korean/ Japanese/ Vietnamese/ Thai/ Laotian/ Mongolian/ Burmese/ Cambodian/ Filipino/ Malaysian/ Tibetan/ Indonesian/ or Eastern Russian."

You Chinese If You Water Down Liquid Soap

You Chinese if you water down liquid soap.

Let's face it, Chinese are cheap and they do whatever they can to save money. So... the most obvious thing is to add water to liquid soap! It could effectively increase the life of one bottle of liquid soap by ten times. Not only that, but the children won't waste as much.

You Chinese If You Drink Only Water

You Chinese if you drink only water.

When you go to a restaurant and the waiter asks you what you want to drink, do you always say, "just water."?

Yes, you Chinese. You don't want to "waste" your money on soda pop! Especially not at a buffet (where the carbonation needlessly displaces valuable stomach space).

You Chinese If You Think Learn English is Better Than Learn Chinese

You Chinese if you think learn English is better than learn Chinese.

If you live in Asia and you went to an "all English" or "all American" kindergarten - where you speak broken English all day long with some white dude (a.k.a. "foreigner teacher"); you Chinese. Also, you're even more Chinese if you paid some nerdy, constantly drunk, smelly, English-speaking twat, quadruple your own hourly pay to have the chance to "practice" your English with him (or her, but usually a "him").

In Taiwan, a law was passed (but not heeded) that children under five years old cannot learn English for more than an hour a day (or something like that). Why? BECAUSE there were many cases of Taiwanese children popping up in elementary school and not knowing Chinese, but having a great command of broken English.

If you live in a Western country, and your family purposely chose to live in a community with very little other Chinese... you Chinese, yes, but some kinda weird Chinese. Normally, in the West, Chinese choose to only associate with Chinese. English can kiss your ass when you Chinese and living in English Land. (But, you kiss English's ass if you not living in English Land.)

You Chinese If Ghosts are in Water

You Chinese if ghosts are in water.

Are ghosts really in the water? Is that why Chinese are traditionally scared of the water? Actually... Chinese are scared of the water because you can drown. But, why aren't non-Chinese scared, then? Well, because they can swim!

You see, if you Chinese, and you nearly drowned as a kid, your parents don't send you to swimming lessons. Oh no. They tell you that you better stay away from the water, because there are ghosts in it. Yes... ghosts that KILL you. Kill you by drowning you - you not being able to swim is aside from the fact.

So, if you believe that ghosts are in the water, you Chinese. But please, learn to swim.

You Chinese If Safety is Nothing

You Chinese if safety is nothing.

Yes, you're Chinese if you look at safety in the eye and spit on it. Being hit by a 2-ton car doesn't scare you, you'll cross the road whether it's red or green (as featured in this picture). You'll touch raw meat, not wash your hands and then eat cooked meat! You're Chinese!

So the next time you're driving down the street and see a pedestrian standing not on the sidewalk, but somewhat on the street, just know that they're Chinese. If it's YOU - you Chinese, my friend.

You Chinese If You Wear Face Mask All the Time

You Chinese if you wear face mask all the time.

If you don't live in Asia, you probably aren't used to seeing people walk around with face masks. This, however, is a common thing in Asia. Normally, someone who is sick and doesn't want to pass their illness on to others wears a face mask. That's positively considerate, isn't it?

Otherwise, people in Asia might wear a face mask because they ride their scooter or moped all day through the polluted streets.

However, face masks made a big appearance in the West when SARS reared its ugly head. You started seeing who the Chinese (err... Asians in general) really were. What? You were too embarrassed to wear a face mask out in public? Then you not Chinese enough!!!

Now, with Swine Flu (H1N1) in full force out there... it's not just Chinese who are donning their face masks.